I’ve written before about I how I was a single teenage mom. Since then, I thought I was set for life in my marriage, only to learn about year ago that things were not what I’d thought they were. It’s too personal to go into all of the hows and whys here, but the point is that my life is no longer what I thought it was going to be. And I’m venturing into the great unknown as a single mother of four this time around.
Depending on the day–and sometimes the hour–I feel liberated and confident and that the possibilities of life are endless. Other times I’m at rock bottom, fearful for the future, uncertain of how I will make ends meet, or how this will affect my kids. I get down on my knees and cry and pray when I need to. And instead of falling into the darkness of fear, God shines down and shows His face, and reaches out to help me stand back up.
Today would have been my 9th wedding anniversary. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly how I feel about that. I’ve been apprehensive thinking about this day. I know it’s going to hit me hard and hurt at some point today. And that is perfectly fine. I don’t need to try to avoid it, only giving that fear of my pain more power. I’ll let myself feel the feelings, dry my eyes, and get back up. If it takes me a little longer to get back up, so be it, but I’ll get back up there. I miss the idea of being married, feeling loved and secure, of having a partner to share life with. But I don’t miss feeling loneliness and heartache in marriage.
I don’t have all the answers about what’s ahead for me and my kids. At times life feels so completely out of my control, and then there’s nothing left to do but to give up trying to have control. It’s difficult to explain, but the moments when my strength is renewed are the ones when I’m finally able to let go in my weakness. Relief comes when I give my life up to God. When I can stop being stuck in my perspective of scarcity in my life and trust in God’s great abundance. No one can manipulate their way to a life of love and light. I don’t have to have all of the answers. I’m not capable of making every step a perfect one. But if I can let loose my grip on fear and pain, I can find myself floating in waters of peace instead flailing only to drown.
I’m so grateful that I have this place here to share with you all. I love the work that I do, and I’m going to continue on with this gift as far as I am able to. I hope to begin sharing more of who I am in addition to the things I make and do here at Maker Mama. I’ve shared glimpses in the past, but I’ve often held back out of fear of vulnerability. My life experiences are a driving part of why I do what I do, and I want to share my journey of trying to live life to the fullest here.
So, to get me through this day, I’m going to reach out instead of huddling down and licking my wounds. There’s work to be done, but I’ll find some ways to show myself a little bit of extra love today. To celebrate my single-mama-life with my four beautiful kids, and to open my heart to the love and light God’s waiting to pour all over my life. Thank you all for walking alongside me and supporting my aspirations for creating a beautiful blessed life.